25 and disappointed: The pain of acceptance

There are things that I wanted in life - deeply, silently and stubbornly.

An elder sister.

Not too old. Just someone a little ahead of me.

Someone who'd guide me. Who'd fight me. Laugh with me. Pull me up when I slipped.

But I was born a single child.

And for years, I searched for that sister elsewhere.

In friendships. In passing bonds.

Hoping someone would see me that way - and stay.

But it did not happen like that.

I think now... that it's time to let that dream go.

Not with anger.

Just with a kind of tired sadness.

And it's not just this.

There are more.

I wanted to study further. To sit in a quiet library again, surrounded by notebooks and possibility.

To feel like life hadn't already passed me by.

But life had other plans.

I once thought I'd marry the girl I loved.

The one who felt like home.

But she did not choose me.

And that chapter closed - silently, painfully - while my heart was still wide open.

And so many dreams - of a sportsperson, activist, lawyer..

These are the things that might have been done in some alternate reality.

But here - it's the end.

These things stay with us.

Some nights, they show in our dreams.

Some nights, they wake us from the sleep.

It's not easy to let go.

Not when you've imagined a life a certain way.

Not when you grew up believing it would happen.

Slowly, we realize - that life doesn't owe us the version we pictured.

That sometimes, things that we wanted the most - are the things we'll never get.

It hurts.

Really, deeply, it hurts.

But it means that they mattered. Those dreams mattered.

It means we felt something.

So now, I choose to carry the unfinished dreams and the promises -

Not with hope.

Not with bitterness.

With silence. I just watch and grieve for them, as long as I remember them.

It's a deep sigh. A long exhale.

It's not fair.

It's not beautiful.

But it is what it is.

Maybe, that's what life is....

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